Lonely days

For a while now, I’ve thought of myself as potentially guy-crazy – I can’t stop thinking about what it would feel like to be in a ‘relationship’. I even did one of those online quizzes and apparently, I have reached ‘near-boy-insanity’.

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An old photo of my dog plushie in deep contemplation

But today, as I was wandering through the city streets alone, observing the life moving about me with a sense of purpose I do not seem to possess these days, I realised that it isn’t so much ‘boys’ that I long for; it’s the company that I miss – the privilege of sharing your laughter and experiences with someone you care about and who in turn cares about you. I miss having conversations with people – just random talking about anything and everything. I miss laughing for real – where you laugh so hard that your tummy hurts and you’re literally gasping for breath. I miss bantering and debating over the tiniest of things – even if it’s just over something as small (and serious) as ‘the best ice-cream flavour’ (obviously, it’s cookies and cream).

I miss the feeling of being alive. Of feeling like I’m actually a part of something; a part of a group, a team, a community, anything. John Donne once wrote, ‘no man is an island’, yet are his words the truth? Because today, as I stood on those city streets, surrounded by seas of people rushing past me without a second glance, I suddenly felt very small and very alone. I suddenly felt I was like an island. And it absolutely sucked, feeling like this. It sucked big time.

Maybe I’m just being melodramatic because hell, do I like being dramatic (*dun dun DUN*…. yeah). Maybe it’s those ‘raging adolescent hormones’ that are making me write this pretty depressing piece of writing. Or maybe this is me revealing my horribly pessimistic alter ego. But whatever the reason, I’ve actually learnt something from writing this blog post:

Don’t close yourself off to other people. You may think that being all alone would equate to having the freedom to do whatever you want, but trust me when I say that loneliness will cripple you and then proceed to break you down to nothing. Remember that it’s our connection to others through friendship and love that gives us substance and ultimately sets us free.

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