Eyes wide closed

 

is it in our human nature to constantly seek other people’s approval? to look for our own worth in someone else’s words? to find our perfection through the eyes of another?

i’m asking myself these very questions as i think of those people.

those people who question your dry humour and quirky laughter and clumsy dance moves, who make you question your own happiness. cynical people with narrow-minded views of the world, who inflict a lingering pain with their words – a pain that clenches onto your heart and will not let go.

your mind’s always telling you that you shouldn’t listen to what they say, but you can’t help it. you really can’t. when you’re so young and innocent and unafraid of your own vulnerability, you can’t help but open your ears as widely as you open your heart. you let them steal the colours that define your skies, till everything’s grey and tasteless, a stone.

till you’ve hit the bottom of the sea, without a ripple, without a sound.

and when you look up, all you see is a blurry world staring back at you.

but then i’m remembering those other people. the ones who taught you how to swim back up. the ones who made you realise that,

even when everything’s smeared together in chaos and mess, everything still makes sense.

and they tell you:

just because nothing’s as clear as it used to be, doesn’t mean you have to start all over again, as a nobody carrying a blank slate.

because you’re a somebody.

you’re older now, maybe a little more closed-off, a little more fearful of showing too much pain and vulnerability. but that doesn’t mean you’re a worse person than you once were. your skies may no longer be filled with the same colours as before, but that’s not because those cynical people have drained them all away; it’s because you’re creating new colours and adding them to the mix.

this is you. this person with dry humour and a quirky laugh and clumsy dance moves. this person who sometimes needs to seek other people’s approval because you don’t think you deserve your own. this person who doubts, who dreams big, who’s sad at times but happy other times.

you’re searching for something you already have. and you’re always returning empty-handed, wondering where your worth is, where your happiness is, where your life is.

stop searching, because what’s the point of finding something you haven’t even lost? be this person that you are, and i tell you now:

that’s perfection enough.

Know thyself: a never-ending quest

To all those students doing Area of Study: Discovery, this one’s for you.

This blog post may (or may not) help you in some small way or another. Remember that what I am writing is my opinion, not the truth.

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Discovery. Or more specifically, self-discovery.

Some may think that self-discovery is about reaching an understanding and acceptance of our cultural backgrounds, heritage and ancestry. Others may think that it’s about figuring out our purpose in life and our place in the world. But if that is so, then self-discovery is really just a journey, right?  A journey with a final destination; a finish line.

Personally, I don’t think of self-discovery as a journey. I think of it more as a… series of moments. Brief moments, gone before we have the chance to fully comprehend them. We can only ever catch glimpses of ourselves in the mirror before we have to let those fleeting images go, because change is inevitable and the person we saw in the mirror yesterday is not the same person we see today.

Searching is not the same as discovering, nor will it necessarily lead to any discoveries. Maybe self-discovery is not that treasure buried deep in the sand which you’re desperately trying to dig up; maybe self-discovery is that moment when you finally stop digging and for the first time notice the calluses forming on your palms and the yellow sand embedded in your nails. Maybe self-discovery is  not about finding out that ‘we are…’,  but about realising that we simply are.